Welcome to Picture Love Friends. This little episode has a lot of weight for me. I wanna talk about something beautiful that somebody did for me and why it's so important to me, what I learned from it, and I'm curious to know if you have experienced the same thing. And it's something that I have set on my priority list of embodying and learning so that I can pay it forward. And that is the art of holding space. A couple months ago, it was still, I guess it was late summer, maybe early fall, I went to one of my local women's circle meetings on the beach. And I had had a little run in with somebody very, very important to me just hours before that, maybe even an hour before that, and I was feeling very, very heavy. Emotionally, I, I knew that I needed to be around positive people. I always feel good sitting in the sand, hearing the ocean. That is my therapy, one of them, and every time I go to one of these meetings, I leave their feeling like my cup was filled beautifully again, and so I sat next to a total stranger. I do this on purpose. I love sitting next to my friends, but I also love intentionally planting my seat next to somebody I don't know. And this time I chose a girl who was. She was traipsing around the beach before the, the gathering started and she just had this cute smile. I'm like, who is this person? I wanna meet them. So set up my beach chair and got all comfy. And then we were led in a discussion that involved asking a question of your neighbor. So we paired off, and I did not expect this, but. It was just the right question that opened up the door for me to share how I was feeling about this run-in. I had just had this conflict, and what was so impactful for me was how peaceful and calm and compassionate and present she was for me- a total stranger. I, I did not expect to talk about what had happened, and it's something I would never rehash publicly because just out of love and respect for this person, but this woman, let me go the full arc from. Troubled and upset and stressed to accounting for just a few of the things that were bothering me. I didn't feel the need to rehash the whole conversation and sequence of events, but the high points really, it felt so good to talk about them. I never felt judged. I never felt corrected. I never felt like I had to filter what I was saying. And it's not like I was throwing sand in her eyes or anything like that. I just, I, I needed to unload. And she held that space for me as if she was a professional therapist, except it was so much more personal because, I don't know, it just felt like a sister next to me. She mirrored back what I said. She validated my feelings and she listened as I found my way back to my peace, and, and that is literally the full arc of what I experienced. And I looked at her and I said. You're really good at this. And she said, I actually went to a workshop to learn how to hold space for somebody. And I said, well, clearly you have been practicing or you're a natural, or you've been paying attention and. I literally left that meeting feeling like I had lost 10 pounds in the course of just about an hour. We weren't, I wasn't talking to her for an hour. It was just maybe 10 minutes, but it was an impactful 10 minutes. That set the trajectory for the rest of my evening so beautifully. I slept like a baby that night. I woke up with a brand new. Lease on life, literally. And it wasn't because she counseled me. It wasn't'cause she gave me advice. None of that happened. She just held safe space for me. And I use that word safe with intention. Not everybody feels safe to talk to a total stranger, but somehow we resonated enough that that was my safe space. So has anybody ever done that for you before? Are you the friend that people come to because you hold safe space for them? I know I tend to be that person that a total stranger will come up to and start telling their life story too. Does anybody else feel that way? I know I'm not the only one, but. It's really interesting to me how she didn't even give me any information about herself while I was sharing. But when I was done, I felt so good. I was able to completely set aside what had just happened to be present for her because all of that junk was out of my head. I mean it, I had been able to reregulate my system through that release, and it was so impactful. And so I was, I was reminiscing about that today because it just, it made so much impact on me in such a positive way. And now that the headlines are just like rapid fire, there's all kinds of news that. Is rarely any good news. There's just a lot of people in need of compassion, so I wanna suggest that we all look for ways to picture love into our days for ourselves and those that we influence by holding space. If this is something that you're not identifying with, then maybe we're planting a seed. Thank you for listening anyway. But this is something that costs us nothing but some attention and a little bit of time, and we're not doing it to make it make a change. We're doing it to allow space for somebody to make a shift of their own. And, I do think of a few people. Who listened to this show who may not, they might be in varying degrees of comfort levels with other people displaying emotion. Like I know some people feel really squirmy, in the presence of somebody crying. And I'm not judging that. I'm just identifying that this is probably gonna be varying degrees of ease for different people in different times. So I don't mean to make it sound like something everybody should do. I would never should on you- never. It is something that I love so much. I wanna go on record and inspire other people too alongside of me, start making a priority. And the reason I bring up the comfort level is in order to hold space for somebody, it does not require us to suffer for them because. If we're present with them, we're not recounting how we were wronged or hurt in the past, right? We're actually listening to them. We're not paying attention to the news on our notifications. We're not paying attention to alarms going off in the background. We're paying attention to the words and the energy of the person in front of us, or the person in that message, or the person in that on the other end of that call. And so by giving ourselves permission to take a deep breath and know you don't have to feel what they're feeling in order to support them the best way possible, that gives us a hall pass to not sit in that emotional jail with them because honestly. If I hurt for somebody that doesn't take away them still hurting, right? And life gives us each, our own portion of life. I grew up believing I had to hurt for somebody in order to show I love them. To love them, meant to hurt for them. And that's really not true because when I'm hurting for them, I'm not dealing with my own stuff. I'm getting, dysregulated and I'm not present with you if I'm busy focusing on my own heart. It's about the person who needs to share. So. You might find yourself taking turns holding space for each other. I know I, my closest friends, that is one thing that's kept us glued together through periods of connection and months can go by and we pick up right where we're left off because there's that mutual exchange where somebody's having a rough time and the other person needs to hold the space and to listen. And to validate their feelings. And then the tables turn because that's, that's my most beautiful, my most fruitful relationships are two-sided that way. And when I'm busy focusing on what they're saying. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I have forgotten myself. It just means I gave myself permission to stop multitasking and focus on breathing. 10% of what's going on is me focusing on staying in my body, and the rest of it is what's the topic on the table for them? And another way I've been held was before my husband, before I met him, I went through a really upsetting, uh, breakup. It was actually a broken engagement and my grandmother was there for me. She wasn't the only one, but she's the one I wanna bring up right now because that one, that was an ugly cry and it lasted. Believe it or not, a day. And the gift she gave me in holding space during that time was I was able to cry it outta my system to the point where I realized I really wasn't that sad anymore- I was more relieved. I didn't know how unhappy I was until I got some of that emotional gunk cleared out and soon after. I mean, weeks later I met my now husband. Not because I was looking, but because I had cleared space and relaxed into,'all right, what's the ne what's the next okay, life, what is next?" And every time I, I fall in and check in with myself and get my legs under me and myself regulated. I show up better for everybody else. It never fails. So that's something that I get to thank my grandmother for still, I mean, she's not physically with us anymore, but she's in my heart all the time and I'm so grateful that I have the gift of that memory of how she held space for me. So just for fun,'cause I always love learning and I want to further integrate these observations. I did a little research and I did some journaling and I dug deep down and I discovered that there are three, probably more than three, but I'm gonna focus on three things you never do when holding space for somebody else. And the first one is don't try to fix it. It. Yeah, fix it involves, judgment, you know? Um, it can, it can backfire in so many ways because when you're trying to fix it, then you're implying that they can't. There's just so many ways that that can go sideways and it requires us to have some degree of judgment, and if we're busy fixing it, we're showing them something they did was wrong or we don't believe that they can fix it themselves and it dismisses their feelings. And that's the worst way to hold space for somebody, that's a way to keep'em stuck, right? Or to create conflict between us and them. So neither this girl or my grandmother were trying to fix it for me. Number two never minimize the seriousness of their struggle. You know, like, it's not that bad. Or it could be so much worse or, or even worse than that. Oh, you think that's bad? You should hear about the time when this guy did this to me. Anything that we're doing that minimizes their struggle. I'm not saying you want to make it bigger, but I'm just saying don't try to minimize it because what's hurting them is real to them. That is their truth. That is their story in that moment. And that is the the number two thing never do when holding space for somebody. And the third thing I wanna mention is don't change the subject. Because when you're changing the subject, then we're in the driver's seat and we're not letting that person go on the journey that they need to go on while unloading whatever it is that's caught them in this loop. The struggle. And also, you can't be telling and listening at the same time. So while I'm the only one talking on this particular episode, I'm working very hard to be an active listener when holding space for somebody else. My presence is demonstrated in my eye contact, my listening, and my not changing the subject to something else, to either make me feel better or fooling myself that I'm trying to make them feel better. Right? I know that humor is sometimes one of my coping mechanisms, but I like to use that for myself rather than for other people. You know, when I'm saying something and I, I think I'm kind of frustrated with how, how it all sounds coming outta my mouth. I might crack a joke, but that's not something that I would do to somebody else. And, and on the flip side of that. There are some ways that I'm working on really honing my skills, and that is stay in my body, stay calm and present.'cause when I'm calm, it helps everybody else in the room. My calm helps my pets be calm. My calm lets me stay in my body and not go into fight or flight responses when I hear something alarming from somebody else. I also like to ask. When they come to me I'll ask them, do you just need a sound wall? Do you just need to vent? Or are you looking for help with this? Because then I understand when to take my helper hat off completely. And holding space doesn't mean intervening, but if I understand what the boundaries are, when I understand what the motives are, and they might not even know the answer. And if they don't know the answer, the answer is, Kris, shut up. Lock and key. Be quiet. Just listen, I think I mentioned this already. Respecting their process, letting them go the full arc. Let'em finish. Don't rush them. Don't schedule yourself to be somewhere else'cause you're just getting tired and bogged down. Let them work their way through. And if it sounds like they're repeating themselves in a loop, maybe they just haven't heard themselves yet, or maybe they're repeating themselves'cause they're not sure we heard them. So possibly mirroring back or acknowledging pieces of it and say, I can see that really hurt you. And saying that with love. That was clearly very difficult for you is a way of acknowledging their feelings and validating their feelings, whether you agree with them or not, it's their truth. So that's one way that we can picture love through compassion. Bottom line, I'm here, I'm listening. I believe in your feelings, and you still get to choose your next step. I think that is, that is my mindset while breathing and holding space for somebody else. So I would love to know what your tips are if you have held space for somebody else and I didn't mention something that's coming to mind. I would love so much for you to respond to this episode. Tag me if you're writing on social, comment. I'd love to know what are ways that you are helping picture love as a space holder, or maybe tag somebody else on this, share this episode and tag them and thank them for a time where they held space for you. I believe that together we can work through so much more. We can get out of these loops. I think we can heal ourselves so much faster if we just give ourselves compassion and give each other the permission slip to be vulnerable and work through these things. There's so much good waiting to happen if we can just deal with what's got us all clogged up right now. More and more people need space held for them these days, and if we are learning it, then we can raise up generations of space holders who love one another and know how to do it for themselves. Here's another thought too. If you are. Wishing that you had somebody to hold space for you. Grab a pen and paper. I've never met a pen and paper who held a grudge against me. Literally write on the paper as if you are speaking to that person, vent it out on the page, and if that's not enough, burn it. I know I've done that before because I didn't want somebody in my house to read my vent. I've taken it out to the fire pit, lit it up, and I felt even more cleared than before. Just by getting the words, putting the feelings. You could draw a picture if you wanted to. You don't have to use words. If words don't come- draw, paint. If you're like me and you're a beach goer, draw something in the sand and then let the waves wash it out or work out and on every step, vent it out, get a little endorphin release. But I, I do hope that we can create a wave of compassion for one another, and of course for ourselves as well. And let's help each other picture love by showing up as that loving whole version of ourselves. And never be ashamed for your feelings.'cause your feelings are yours. If anybody judges your feelings, that's on them. It's not on you. All right? We need, we need to be good to ourselves so that we can show up better for everybody else. All right. Please let me know how you hold space for other people or how space has been held for you. I love these stories. Let's pay it forward. See you next time.